No words.

I've gone back and forth on if I should blog about what we went through this summer. Once I hit the "Publish Post" button, it's out there for all to see. I've never been a public person. I'm not an "emotions person". I don't really cry, almost to the point of being inappropriate sometimes. I don't cry, even when I should. I guess it's just how I'm wired. Just when you think you have yourself figured out, God has a way of showing you that you have so much more room to grow and change.

Let me back up to May. Our first house was on the market for two and half weeks before we had an offer. By the end of June we sold our house and moved into an apartment so our new home could be built...talk about transition. Our family of four was forced into a very small space with no backyard and only a portion of our belongings. Let's just say we've learned to live with a lot less "stuff" and space. Here in October, we are counting the days until our new home is complete.

On July 24th our lives changed, mine forever. We learned we were expecting Baby Evans #3. You see, we had JUST sold and/or donated ALL our baby stuff. Everything from maternity clothes to Bumbo was purged when we moved from the house. We made the decision we were "done" having children. We had one boy and one girl. We were the "perfect" American family, why change it? As you can imagine, we were shocked. This baby would be due March 29, 2012, a mere 17 months after Riley. I was in shock, but COMPLETELY elated at the same time.

By pregnancy #3, you know the drill. I scheduled my "confirmation" appointment at seven weeks, August 12. At 4:55pm on August 11th something became terribly wrong. To spare the details, I called the doctor's office and they assured me everything was alright and to just come in the next day for my scheduled appointment. Deep down, I KNEW what was happening despite being told that everything was fine. At the appointment the nurse and nurse practitioner didn't get the memo that something was wrong and they made their jokes about being pregnant so soon, that it couldn't be true. In the back of my mind I was thinking, "Well, it's not true... anymore." Once I explained the situation the jokes stopped... like a freight train crashing. An ultrasound showed that the baby had stopped growing or that I was not as far along as we thought. I knew it was the first, but we still had to hold onto that glimmer of hope that everything really was alright.

I spent all weekend in turmoil. I waited to have blood drawn until Monday and was assured the results would be in that afternoon... of course they weren't. When I called the lab to check on the progress I was told, "You'll just have to wait." Finally Tuesday I called my doctor's office and was told my hormone levels were dropping.

It's funny (well, not really funny), but no one wants to say, "You are having a miscarriage." No one can say it, but I had to say it. The words still feel like broken glass coming out of my mouth when I do say it.

"I had a miscarriage."

Today I would be 17 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I've come a very long way, only by the grace of God. There is absolutely no way I would be making through this journey with out my God. No way.

I am grateful for other women who have shared their stories of loss with me. I hate that we are kindred spirits in such an awful way, but they make me stronger. I have the most strength in talking to someone who "gets it".

I'm grateful for family and friends who have listened and loved, even when they didn't know what to say.

The biggest lesson I have learned is that sometimes there's nothing you can say to make things better for someone else or even yourself. I've always tried to rationalize things, especially in hard times. Now I know, sometimes you just can't. Excuse my lack of eloquence here, but sometimes things just "suck" and that's the only thing you can say.

I thank God for the strength He has given me through the loss of a child. I know to some it seems crazy. I know you may not understand the loss of a pregnancy at seven weeks as the loss of a child, but I do. I feel a deep sense of emptiness knowing that baby could be here with us now, but I also understand God gives AND takes away.

I do believe loss makes you more grateful for the people around you. It does make you realize stuff is just stuff. Loss takes things you already know and makes them more clear.

So here I go. I'm about to press the "Publish Post" button and put it out there for everyone to see.

Lastly, I'm grateful for the healing and strength to press that button.